I'm at a Crosswords

I feel like my life has come to a fork in the road and it is time that I actually make a decision instead of sitting back and waiting for someone else to make that decision for me. The problem is I don't know which way to go! I am truly torn. There are benefits and drawbacks to both paths and of course it is always easier to stay on the path I'm used to traveling versus one that would require me to pave my own way. I have been married 11 years and I know that no marriage is perfect and it requires a lot of work. I agreed to try marriage counseling this summer but I feel like it has just postponed the inevitable. The counselor tried to make him see that he was not making his family a priority and that my concerns with his behavior were valid. But like always he rationalizes everything! I always thought he had OCD tendencies but I'm starting to worry that he may be manic depressive. Less than a year ago he went to his family all stressed out that we were living paycheck to paycheck. He was working around the clock and obsessed with money. His family sat down, listened to him explain our finances and tried to explain to him that we were fine. He never told me about this meeting and continued to work obsessively until he actually worked about 22 hours in one day without so much as a phone call home to let me know he would be out all night! When I broke down one day at a family dinner they told me that they had talked to him about his behavior and he didn't like what they had to say and he hadn't spoke to them since. Of course he wasn't attending this family dinner because he was working on the weekend as usual!

Well, fast forward to today. In the last month he has gone out and bought new furniture for our house without consulting me, a new car, finally put a deck on our house, and is talking about investing in a brand new $20,000 tractor! I thought he said we had no money!! We both work salaried jobs and make decent money. We have separate accounts and are more like roommates than husband and wife. I write him a check for half the property payment each month. He does pay the utilities but I've always paid for the cable and internet because he feels those are wants and not necessities and he doesn't spend money frivolously! He has also made it known for our 11 years of marriage that my bills are my bills and has not helped pay a cent towards my college loans. I put myself through college and I do have a hefty $25,000 in student loans but it is that degree that has provided me with the job I have! Many of my coworkers have qualified for an income based repayment plan for their loans in which they pay less than $100 a month and after 10 years the remaining balance would be forgiven. I tried to apply but because I'm married our joint income qualifies me for a $500 payment which if I were able to make that kind of payment I'd have my loan paid off anyways! So I do struggle to make it month to month! I pay him half the mortgage, I buy groceries 2 weeks out of the month, I pay for my student loans, I buy our daughter clothes and I struggle! If I were single I think I could handle the finances alone better than what I'm having to pay now. I also am starting to think I don't really know this man I married. He never talks to me about anything. He refuses to own a cell phone so I can never get a hold of him in an emergency. He doesn't have email or facebook and has always acted like he didn't even know how to use one. However, we were recently invited to a BBQ by one of his friends from work. They were telling stories and talking about other coworkers that all the wives seemed to know about. I didn't! At home he is all serious and nags me that I'm too laid back and don't take things seriously enough. When I asked him about the stories his reply is he doesn't bring work home. But when you work with someone 12 hours a day they are not just work. These are his friends. They were also talking about how he'd swipe their cell phones and leave pics on their phones or send texts from the computer! He has always stated that the reason he didn't own a phone was because he didn't know how to use it! He has never texted me either! Honestly, I do not know this man anymore and it is like he leads a double life! I have to do something I just wish I knew what that something was?!